How long is too long? (Heh.... heh)

So if I said I've been upset about my ex for almost three years, I'm sure there's a lot of people that would say I was nuts. "What's so damn special about him?" I think that's the part that makes me the most upset. He's not that damn special. He wasn't that good of a guy to start out with; I could have done tons better than that. So why am I still upset? I think anyone who happens to read this has just as good a guess as I do. Probably the fact that I've been essentially single for those three years and haven't had a chance to focus on someone else.
I think what I'm looking for is a new boyfriend. I think that's what I need. I tend to get to that point where the guy I've got my eye on ends up being too good of a friend for not awkward dating though. And I've tried that- dating one of my guy friends. Didn't work out so well.
Tonight after the play, I noticed my ex (who plays a damn good drunk guy in a play, I might add) was talking to a girl and his parents and stuff. And of course, me being the jealous/ psycho-bitch ex (I'm not that bad anymore, really. I try to not acknowledge that he exists. And I was only bad before because of his psycho-bitch girlfriend) I immediately go "Holy God he's dating some chick!" and start mentally flipping out. I'm not sure how to describe it exactly; I wasn't that upset, but I guess I felt like I should be. Maybe I've just got one of those stone hearts that doesn't really feel anything anymore, but I don't think that's it. Usually it's the complete opposite. I tend to feel too much.
But what does that mean, feeling too much? Should we feel like we feel too much? I don't believe we should. But does that change the feeling? Probably not.
I sound like a complete emo kid, I understand. I think that's the really relieving thing about this blog- whether or not anyone reads it, it's out there. I have a potential audience to which I can vent anonymously. It's very freeing. I just hope it works for me. I think I'm getting really good at being a generally happy, or at least complacent, person, but stress builds up and.... aaagh! I just gotta let it out! Hopefully this is going to give me a chance to let it out.

Epiphany No. 1

I think I had a semblance of an epiphany today. In the pit orchestra today, the guy that sits next to me had me listen to a song on his iPod. I didn't know it; it was jazz and I don't listen to much of that. I didn't even care for the song much. But I realized the guy on stage was saying his lines perfectly in time as the song and fitting the mood completely. Somehow both of them connected and it was as if they were happening together. I believe everything is connected; everyone seems to have the same general mood as everyone else most of the time, for example. But somehow this stage/iPod experience completely reinforced the concept I had already believed in .
I think the hardest thing for me is realizing there are coincidences. I'm logical- I like to believe everything happens for a reason, and maybe if I look hard enough I will find the reason. I don't want to think there's a coincidence, because coincidence means a lack of control. Control is what governs the emotions and actions of humans. Most people will choose to be in a situation in which they have some control. Granted, sometimes we're all a little apathetic. I think, though, that if we realized we did not have any control over the choice, we would not be so apathetic.
Well. 11:11. Hopefully it will work this time. If not, there's always tomorrow.
:)

The First Message

What pushes one to open a blog? Many things, I'm sure. What pushed me to open one? I read it on this guy's profile, that he opened a blog somewhere but he wasn't going to say where unless people asked. And I thought, hey. That sounds like a great idea. Maybe it's silly, I don't know.
My friend always says when we're walking down the hall that I say hi to just about everyone. Lots of people know me, but I'm not popular. Maybe that's all I want from this- Just to get away. To have anonymity, which hopefully this allows me to do, while venting, or doing whatever it is I plan to do on this.
We'll see how this goes.